Why do so many
men struggle with relationships?
It was 1854
when Henry David Thoreau wrote “The mass of men lead lives of quiet
desperation.” The behavior that led men there, then, I think was much the same
when I was growing up some fifty years ago. My father knew it well. In a
nutshell, male equaled masculine, and, female equaled feminine. Masculine stereotypes in Dad's time included
no emotional displays, aggressiveness, patience and persistence in adversity, and
competitiveness both at work and play. He said under no circumstances should I
show weakness. Dad taught me that not being his way was, well, unmanly. No
wonder I grew up wearing that tough masculine breastplate. . . and was silent about
my desperation.
As men
explore outside the limits of stereotyped masculinity, we each have a personal history
that makes us unique among men, including our accomplishments and choices. Yet in
common we struggle to meet some expectations, fear failures, and sometimes face
difficult relationships, especially with our fathers. Why don't we talk more about
these common themes?
I didn't when
younger because I embraced a competitive nature with every man in my hierarchical company, because at year's
end, managers force-ranked us all. Those opinions produced next year's salaries
and defined our potential to rise on the corporate ladder. I was near
retirement before I discovered I seldom relaxed my competitive stance with men even
when not at work.
It took me
so long because I hadn`t tried to learn very much about myself. But even If I
had known more, thanks to my penchant for showing no weaknesses, I still would
not have talked openly about myself. After retiring from my profession,
dabbling in other aspects of life began to teach me who I was.
Today`s workplace
now emphasizes teamwork as well as individual performance, and some organizations
are trending away from hierarchies
making all decisions. Relating with one another is replacing competing. A
researcher of human behavior, Brené Brown, found successful people today best
build relationships by being vulnerable.*
What a change from my attitudes just twenty years ago! Our evolving
world is moving toward the importance of relating with one another, even when
we don`t agree on issues.
On the back
cover of my book So Dad, What Makes a
Man?, I wrote "may these anecdotes of one man's life stimulate
conversations about life and its transitions with your family members, friends,
lovers and those you support." In order to foster building these important
relationships, Luis Canales, Lloyd Guerin, and I have created A Walking Tour of Male Spirituality, a workshop
that provides a safe place to practice talking more openly about life, with no
pressure to be like me or anyone else.
By mid-2015, our published facilitator's guide will enable you to lead this workshop yourself for your own men's group or as a couple. If you would like to experience the ten-session workshop before leading one yourself, A Walking Tour of Male Spirituality begins at the Cenacle Retreat House in Houston, January 22. You can register at 281- 497-3131 or www.cenacleretreathouse.org. $125, including the book.
Whether you
join in this discussion or not, I invite you to talk with people important to
you about your life stories, including the tough times.
* The
Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, Hazelton, 2010
No comments:
Post a Comment